Not Out of the Woods Yet

I had a dream recently and believe it is connected to my cousin's situation. In this dream, I was on a winding road in a beautiful ancient-growth forest. I came to a dead-end that led me to an unfamiliar neighborhood. Reluctantly, I boarded a bus but asked the driver whether it would circle back to where it started; he told me yes. I rode the bus, although it felt uncomfortable. It seems that I got off this bus on some kind of rolling platform, like a skateboard but wider. I rolled on this platform for awhile then jumped off, feeling the sensation of my feet running and noticing the contrast between rolling and running. Finally, I broke down sobbing in my loneliness and alienation, wailing, "I want to go home." In another part of the dream, I arrived at a cliff with a suitcase. I looked down with the realization that if I tried to jump, I would be injured. I tried "hanging" from the suitcase, but it was still too far down to jump safely. After a little while, the suitcase strap stretched enough to let me drop down comfortably. I was gently lowered to the ground. People were around me and I still had the sense of being around uncooperative strangers, people who either would not or could not help me. I recall feeling a sense of confidence, however, that I could make it on my own, with patience. (As was the case with the suitcase on the cliff.) The old forest was gorgeous. My fear was real, and so was my sadness and isolation.

A lot of correspondence has been generated lately with regard to my cousin. His next psychiatric appointment is this Wednesday, the 31st. I would like to be there and will probably take the train to meet him at the VA hospital. My uncle continues to speak on behalf of the entire family yet his words do not reflect my own beliefs about my cousin. Much of this has to do with perception. Certain family members are convinced he is mentally ill. They are speaking with authority yet with no foundation, no basis for what they are saying. Their opinions are simply that: opinions, and nonprofessional ones. I do not possess a degree in psychiatry either, but I know that the perception of this cousin as mentally ill does not serve him; in fact, it only reinforces the victimization to which he has already been subjected for far too long. My uncle is making the claim that his parents were in denial about this alleged mental illness until he was 36 or 37 years old. I wonder how he can make this claim when my cousin's father passed away in 1992. When my cousin was 36 (he is 42 now), his father had been dead for 8 years. This uncle even goes so far as to speak for "the cousins," including me, in a recent report in which he claims we all view him as "weird." Well, I was never asked and do not appreciate being lumped into this group. (We are actually 20 cousins, including the one in question and his brother, and I doubt each one was consulted about his or her perception of this particular cousin.) I hope things can be resolved. It is difficult for me to communicate my true thoughts and feelings because of the protocol of respecting the elders in my family, especially since this uncle in charge happens to be a retired Lt. Col. in the Army, a guy who is accustomed to being in charge, and being right. It doesn't matter who is "right" where my cousin is concerned. What matters is him getting the support he needs. It looks like he might be autistic or perhaps have Asperger's syndrome.