Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Diffused Boundary

Eroded or enmeshed boundaries where subsystems do not differentiate and provide appropriate separation.

Happens all the time, you know. Each time you talk to a person, you risk overstepping boundaries, treading somewhere you don't really belong, a place where you are not only not welcome but where you will actually bring harm to yourself and to the person through whose boundary you have trespassed. Once there, however, it might be too late to walk away....

Yesterday morning, I sat in a bookstore café drinking coffee, writing morning pages, and inadvertently eavesdropping upon a nearby conversation in progress. Four women were seated, facing each other, playing a board game. I caught snippets of what they were saying, speculations about someone's psychological state and the divorce he is apparently going through. A tsk-tsk attitude of superiority and lack of compassion seemed to permeate the atmosphere of the group during this discussion, as they sat in judgment of someone's obviously tragic marital and family situation.

I thought about a friend of mine with whom I am currently estranged, and asked myself how much the loss of that friendship really means to me. I pictured her, twenty years from now, sitting like these gossipy women and making conversation about someone else's tragedy, grading and labeling it with the smug assurance of an expert.

It gave me a smug sense of satisfaction that only lasted until the next thought: I will not pretend I am okay with this friendship being over; at the same time, her judgment of my decisions doesn't change why I made them and why certain ones were needed at the time. Her decision to end the friendship seems to be more about her own inability and lack of emotional and mental capacity (plus will) to be with me, now, as I need a friend to be. I can live with this.

Karma is such a strange and mysterious process, isn't it? Life in this seemingly shallow, materialistic society without spirituality and spiritually aware friends would be unbearable. I am fortunate to have close friends; and even if this one friend and I are currently in conflict with each other, I trust that synchronicity will bring us back together again, in the time it needs to manifest what is needed. I do still love and care for her.

Our lives necessarily include tragedy and loss. And I guess our success in life depends not so much upon what happens, but upon how we deal with what happens.

And reciprocity in love is what makes life worth living.

Why am I so drawn to cooking and food, but find the actual cooking of food boring? I remember an old friend who once edited a family cookbook, collected everybody's recipes and compiled them all together. She hated cooking, but boy could she write about cooking! I get a strange sense of deja vu when I am cooking, as if in a past life I spent a lot of time in the kitchen.

I just finished reading a fantastic book, Trust Your Vibes, by Sonia Choquette. I got tickled by something she wrote in a chapter on laughter. She was talking about a client who in her seriousness about her spiritual quest actually lost the point of it altogether. She writes that this person

"... meditated for hours each day, ate only the most pure organic food, gave herself wheat-grass enemas every morning, and wrapped herself in every amulet, crystal, talisman, and titanium gadget she could get her hands on for purification and protection."
What ended up happening, though, is that she became bitter and, ultimately, uncreative.

"She was so controlling that intuitively she had no connection to her Higher Self, her heart, her humor, or anything really spiritual."

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Boundaries are not emotionally healthy apparitions.There is a reason why they are not easy to see and understand.
They are impediments to open, honest relationships.I don't advocate violating them intentionally but just want them recognized for what they are.

These writings of yours fill me up each time. Its as if you take us alone with you on these excursions your mind takes. Its a fun ride every time. I look forward to it.

Walt

Jen said...

Hi, Walt! I appreciate your comments. Did you intend to say "you take us alone with you on these excursions," or "take us along with you...."? Either way, it works. :)